"Do I contradict myself? Very well, I contradict myself. I am vast. I contain multitudes." -Walt Whitman

:malicious user:

Thursday, September 11, 2008

7 years later...
...the scars still ache...
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Sunday, March 02, 2008

10,000 hours
that's how many hours researchers say make a virtuoso. effective today, i've got six hours under the belt. at least, since i started counting. so that's what, 9994 hours to go?

friggin' F chord is killing me.

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Friday, August 03, 2007

occipital neuralgia
Seems I have occipital neuralgia, which is latin for flaming railroad spikes piercing your head and coming out your eyeball. just started the meds, which are slated to start kicking in in about 7 days of incessant pain that ranges from who is slapping my skull with a rubber mallet to shutthehellupandgetawayfrommebecauseiwanttokillakittenbutyouwilldojustfine. right now i'm literally wobbling back and forth as i type, waiting for the lyrica to make me dizzy and happy like it did this morning, and maybe for the 1500 mg of acetaminophens to make a dent. right, the OTC stuff may as well be covered in chocolate and a candy shell with a little m on them.
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Wednesday, May 30, 2007

reason #217 not to smoke
because somewhere down the the line, when you are in the funtime throws of stage 3 inoperable small-cell lung cancer, it will be sunny and 76 degrees out. and you will not be able to go out and lay in the sun, because your skin will be too sensitive to the uv (especially since the side effects of your cancer medication make you look and feel like the hot-tub victim from halloween II); and you will not have the energy to get out of bed, because you spent three hours upright the day before just walking and doing the things you used to take for granted; and you will be wondering if those sniffles are your nasal passages drying out from the breathing cannula again, or if it is the start of a fun-filled summer cold brought on by your shot-to-hell immunity system; and as much as they love you, your situation will infuriate your loved ones, who do not have your pain killers to numb them.

and i bet if you read this far, you don't smoke anyway.
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Saturday, April 21, 2007

in memoriam

i found this rush song running through my head this week. enough said.

"The Pass"

Proud swagger out of the school yard
Waiting for the world's applause
Rebel without a conscience
Martyr without a cause

Static on your frequency
Electrical storm in your veins
Raging at unreachable glory
Straining at invisible chains

And now you're trembling on a rocky ledge
Staring down into a heartless sea
Can't face life on a razor's edge
Nothing's what you thought it would be

All of us get lost in the darkness
Dreamers learn to steer by the stars
All of us do time in the gutter
Dreamers turn to look at the cars
Turn around and turn around and turn around
Turn around and walk the razor's edge
Don't turn your back
And slam the door on me

It's not as if this barricade
Blocks the only road
It's not as if you're all alone
In wanting to explode

Someone set a bad example
Made surrender seem all right
The act of a noble warrior
Who lost the will to fight

And now you're trembling on a rocky ledge
Staring down into a heartless sea
Done with life on a razor's edge
Nothing's what you thought it would be

No hero in your tragedy
No daring in your escape
No salutes for your surrender
Nothing noble in your fate
Christ, what have you done?

-peart
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Sunday, April 08, 2007

so THAT'S what the tag line means
man, i've really got to start checking my own blog more often.

thanks, patricia, miss bliss, and, of course, his drewness, for checking in and commenting.
it's easter, and i'm really starting to feel stuck between generations. i'm living with my parents (the elders, as drew would say) and they are miraculously healthy considering their age. being a holiday, my brothers all called in. they are all in various stages of physical self destruction. no alcoholics, drug addicts, or stuff like that. just physical consequences of lives of strenuous living. my own fragile shell is starting to show signs of wear and tear (nope, nothing wrong here - 10 dollar amazon gift certificate to the first person to understand that cultural reference). and i am having more and more fears about connecting to my kids. my daughter is 12 this year.

12

TWELVE

one more year before she - by law of nature - becomes my nemesis.

how on earth do i protect her, educate her, do everything i can to prevent her world and mine from spinning irrevocably out of orbit and destroying life, the universe, and everything?

of course i can't. i know that. but i am a father. and so i must hope.

and fear.

and be powerless.

and furious.

oh yes, am i furious.
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Friday, March 30, 2007

in others' words
to quote james woods, just when i think i've hit rock bottom, another rung breaks on the ladder of destiny.

three letters: i.r.s.
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i used to be disgusted. now i try to be amused.
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