"Do I contradict myself? Very well, I contradict myself. I am vast. I contain multitudes." -Walt Whitman

:malicious user:

Wednesday, January 28, 2004


i am wearing my prescription glasses today. not because of any lack of vanity on my part. not because i am too lazy to put in my contacts. not because the glasses give you a great prop to remove just before saying something profound. no, i am wearing my glasses today because i (still) have a cold. it has nothing to do with watering eyes. it has to do with the ohnomoment i experienced some winters back, when i also had a cold.

as you know, when you sneeze, the body does this great abandon-ship pressure-drop-kick and air exits your body through your nose, your mouth, and any other orifice it can find. the body seems to become less finicky about just which orifices it uses as it gets older. (something for you young 'uns to look forward to - this is why blowing your nose while seated on the throne is an exercise in efficiency.)

as you also know, it is physically impossible to sneeze without closing one's eyes.

i had a cold. i was wearing contacts. i sneezed. in the nanoseconds in which my eyelids slid down to prevent my eyeballs from shooting across the room, both contacts simultaneously blew off their perches at a velocity of 90mph. immediately they impacted upon the insides of my eyelids. sneeze over, i involuntarily opened my eyes.

like synchronized garage doors on some suburbanites two-car garage, my lids began retracting up, and at the lizard-brain level, i knew what had just happened.

and what was about to happen.

the ohnomoment.

i'm sure it's really amusing to watch a man with - not one, but two - contact lenses stuck up inside his orbital sockets doing the apoplexy mambo blindly about the room, yelping, sniffling, and acting like lon chaney with a face full of acid. i wouldn't know. i couldn't see a damn thing.

but i remember very clearly.

so today i am wearing my glasses.

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i used to be disgusted. now i try to be amused.
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