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"Do I contradict myself? Very well, I contradict myself. I am vast. I contain multitudes." -Walt Whitman

:malicious user:

Wednesday, December 21, 2005


it gives me great pleasure to announce that, on december 15, 2005, angel and i officially became Domestic Partners(tm). the ceremony was officiated by a notary public (my uncle) and took place in the dining room of my parents' house. music was provided by a lexus commercial playing on the living room television. angel and i jointly signed my employer's Domestic Partner Enrollment Form, which was rubber-stamped some days later by a nameless drone in the human resources department, and the nuptials were completed. in this manner we demonstrated our mutual commitment to each other.

not to mention securing medical and dental benefits for angel.

and now, onto some shameless comment whoring.

i do not gift well. at least, i did not gift well ever during the course of my marriage. any gift-giving occasion was preceded by a period of increasing anxiety followed by a dramatic, horrific denouement. no details given, for fear of succumbing to self-induced post-traumatic stress disorder.

angel and i do not typically exchange gifts on holidays. this is because (1) we detest the commercialization that turned a holy day into a holiday, (2) we're cheap, (3) we have everything we need - each other, (4) we give each other little gifts all the time for no reason, and (5) we're more broke than cheap. nevertheless, we occasionally get each other a present. i still tense up for about a six-month stretch before she opens the box, set upon by a bipolaresque condition wherein i'm alternately certain this is the absolute bestest gift since gold, myrrh, and frankenstein, and then convinced that my last vision on earth will be angel, torn gift wrap in one hand, offending objet in the other, and death-rays of loathing emitting from her eyes to cut me down to smoking ash.

this year is no different.

angel has difficulty sleeping, due in part to chronic pain in her neck. i heard some good things about the snoogle, so that is a gift she is getting from me this Christmas. it may very well get returned. or, it may be the key to a decent night's sleep for her. i don't know, i don't pretend to know anymore. i'll sweat it out until new year's day. (i'll be a basket case until then, so it will take a week before i can register how the gift was actually received.)

i am looking forward to one thing, though: the snoogle is meant to help mothers-to-be sleep better. the package prominently features several very pregnant women on the front. this present will be opened in front of my parents. the most obvious possibility that the package illustrations suggest may cause one or more cardial infarctions.

i may have to warn people ahead of time, to avoid Christmas in the ER.

at any rate, when i thought of this gift, it seemed like a good idea. useful, cool looking, and tailored to the person getting it.

here comes the whoring: what is the coolest gift you are giving this year?

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

gonna be a long day

STOP: c000021a {Fatal System Error}
The Windows Logon Process system process terminated unexpectedly with a status of 0xc0000006 (0x00000000 0x00000000).
The system has been shut down. Go suck an egg.

Friday, December 09, 2005

career move

i've finally decided what i want to be when i grow up! i want to be a voluptuary!

battling my way through 30 miles of freezing rain, beating the friggin' plows to the parking lot, and being greeted by a voicemail that did little more than set the stage for a urinary smackdown: these are the more recent contributing factors to my decision to change jobs.

now, i need your help: (1) what institute offers the most prestigious degree in arte voluptarius? (2) are class materials provided, or do i need to bring my own? (3) who out there wants to sponsor me?

thanks, and enjoy the weekend.

Monday, December 05, 2005


that was my reaction upon receiving a bill from a collection agency stating that i owed cablevision $1,650.21. it was, thankfully, an error arising from the cablevision rep forgetting to record my return of four cable boxes and a modem. good thing i saved that receipt.

i used to be disgusted. now i try to be amused.
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